The Teddy Bear Man

[Lazcano]

The Teddy Bear Man

Lynn’s Diary
March 15, 2008
My psychiatrist wants me to start keeping this journal, as well as a dream journal. She says it might help with my situation. I also have a hard time communicating my ideas to her because I have been too upset. My life has been a roller coaster for the past two years, but now I feel like it is certainly falling apart. I am in my forties and I live alone. My family and I have lived in Reykjavík, Iceland my entire life. Two years ago, they were on their way to visit me, when they were all tragically killed in a car accident, when another car slid on the ice and crossed into their lane. My younger brother Brian was driving because my parents had a hard time driving at night because of their vision. My parents and my younger brother Brian passed away at the scene, while my youngest brother, Eric, passed away 2 days later at the hospital.
It broke me. It was as devastating as anyone might expect it to be, but up until recently I was showing progress and was doing a lot better. I was able to hold down a good job as a receptionist and I actually started seeing friends again. However recently, this progress seems to have come to a halt.
About a month ago, I was digging through some of my family’s belongings in storage. I pulled out an old notebook of mine from high school, and an old photograph fell out from the pages. It’s an old picture. It was a family photo of all of my mom, my dad, Brian and me. I must have been 18 or 19, and Eric must not have been born yet. It’s a really nice picture. We all look really happy while smiling. There is something strange about it though. Well first of all I don’t remember taking the photograph at all, but that might be understandable. The really strange part is that there is something in the photo that I for one don’t remember and also can’t explain. At the table with us, is a stuffed animal. It looks like it might be a teddy bear of some kind. It looks cuddly with brown fur.
I know it sounds like a silly thing for me to be upset about, but it is true. I have been obsessing over this picture for a month. I’ve started having anxiety, depression, as well as nightmares. It’s almost like the grieving process has started all over again, because my family is all that I can think about. But the part that is haunting me the most is the stuffed animal. I have never seen that stuffed animal before. I have been having the strangest dreams of my life involving this stuffed teddy bear and I don’t understand why. The stuffed animal is alive and talking in my dreams. It talks to me and my family. Like most dreams, they are weird and don’t make any sense. It has a deep voice. The dreams started out pleasant, but they are starting to get weirder. The dreams stick with me all day long. This obsession is all I can think about. It’s affecting my performance at work, as well as my social life. I just don’t understand why I can’t remember.





March 16, 2008
*Dream*
We are eating dinner in the dinning room. The teddy bear sits at the table. It laughs and talks. We all laugh and smile.

March 18, 2008
*Dream*
The teddy bear plays the saxophone. We laugh.

March 20, 2008
*Dream*
It’s Christmas. The teddy bear comes down the chimney dressed as Santa. It gets stuck. We laugh.

March 21, 2008
*Dream*
We are eating dinner in the dinning room. The teddy bear glares at me.

March 22, 2008
*Dream*
The teddy bear plays outside with us. We laugh.

March 23, 2008
I showed the picture to my psychiatrist today. I watched her reaction. I don’t think I trust her. She thought the stuffed animal was peculiar, but she didn’t seem alarmed. She giggled. It irritated me. She asked me if it might have been one of mine or Brian’s old toys that I forgot about. She asked me about my brother Brian. She asked if we used to play together. She asked about our relationship. I said I didn’t want to talk about Brian. She asked if I was ever abused. I got mad and said no. She asked about the dreams. I said in the dreams we get mad at the teddy bear, but we all love the teddy bear. She asked if the dreams may have been playtime fantasies. I said the dreams feel like memories.
She said that grief from sudden loss can trigger severe depression and maybe even psychosis She might put me on medication. I hate myself. I wish I was dead.

March 26, 2008
I went through my all my family’s old belongings to see if I can find another picture. I searched all day, but I can’t find anything. I only found things that make me cry and miss them. I miss them so much. I am so alone right now.
The dreams all feel so familiar. But the house in the dreams isn’t our house. It’s a different house. We have lived in Reykjavík my whole life, but I can’t remember our house when I was a child. Did we live in a different house? Did we live somewhere else? Why is this picture messing with my head? I can’t tell if I am remembering things, forgetting things, dreaming things, or making things up. I feel like I am going crazy. I feel hopeless. Why is this happening?

March 27, 2008
*Dream*
The teddy bear ate the whole Thanksgiving turkey. Mom is mad.

March 28, 2008
*Dream*
The teddy bear is sad. I give him a hug.

March 29, 2008
*Dream*
The bad men are here. We hide the teddy bear.

March 30, 2008
*Dream*
My grandma is with the teddy bear. She died many years ago. I love my grandma. I miss her.

March 31, 2008
*Dream*
The teddy bear tickles my back.

April 2, 2008
*Dream*
I wake up in the middle of the night. The teddy bear man was watching me sleep.

April 3, 2008
My psychiatrist keeps asking me questions. I got irritated today and stormed out. I have been crying a lot.

April 4, 2008
*Dream*
Brian says the teddy bear man isn’t who he says he is. Don’t trust him. He wants to take us. He grooms us. Brian calls him something else, but I can’t remember what he says. He says we shouldn’t go with him.

April 5, 2008
I got fired today. Everyone at work hates me. They all probably say, “there goes Lynn the fucking weirdo”. My psychiatrist probably told them I was fucking crazy and that’s why they fired me, because I’m crazy and stupid. I hate my life. I want to be with my family. I wish I was dead too. I can’t do this. I’m such a piece of shit. I fucking hate myself. I want to be where they are. I want a good life, but I can’t.
April 6, 2008
*Dream*
His ride is here. Bright lights.
*Dream*
Army men.
*Dream*
The teddy bear wanted to take us. We are safe now. They take him. They make us forget. Bright light.
*Dream*
The teddy bear laughs.


May 3, 2008
Today I went to the park for the first time in a long time. It was sunny, but still cold. It started to warm up in the afternoon. I saw a family playing by the playground. They reminded me of my family. I miss them so much.
I have felt a lot better lately. I finally gave the picture to my psychiatrist a few weeks ago and said that I don’t want it anymore. I didn’t want to throw it away though. It was too hard. She agreed to take it. She has been a big help. I’m not sure what caused me to have this breakdown, but I feel like I am healing. The picture might have just triggered old thoughts and my mind might have just created a coping mechanism. The mind is a strange thing.
I know I have had a hard life. I miss my family, but I know they would want me to be happy. I remember all the fun times we had together. I’m ready to move on. I am a fighter. Happiness is worth fighting for. I know I will see them again one day, but first, I have a life to live.



Counselor’s Notes
Lynn Tanner
ID: 1000423456 DOB: 6/12/71 4/7/2008

SOAP Note/ Counseling
SUBJECTIVE:
Patient stated, “Teddy bear man was real. We were hypnotized. It groomed us. It wanted to eat us. The government took him. They made us forget. They went inside our minds. Don’t look into his eyes.”
OBJECTIVE:
Ms. Tanner was prescribed medication several weeks ago to treat symptoms of depression and psychosis. Patient described hallucinations that she claims were stemming from a photograph. Symptoms have increased over the past few weeks.
ASSESSMENT:
Ms. Tanner appears extremely erratic, nervous, and delusional. The patient shows signs of weight loss as well as signs of self-harm. The patient exhibits speech that is stammered and at a fast rate. She exhibits strong signs of anxiety and hallucinations.
PLAN:
Ms. Tanner will be admitted to the hospital for observation on April 7, 2008, due to suicidal ideation. Increased dosage may be required. The photograph may be kept in the patient’s file to be used for future therapy and treatment.